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(trying to) Explain the Inexplicable: Why Grief is so Tiring
Losing sleep after someone dies is definitely a thing, but it wasn’t my thing.
Yes, sleep in the early days after my 37-year-old sister’s unexpected death was near impossible. I had to put on a TV show in the background..a show that was not too funny, but funny enough. A show that was comforting and familiar, but had no associations with my sister (I chose How I Met Your Mother). The volume had to be low enough to go to bed, but loud enough that I could just make out the dialogue. The goal was to give my destroyed brain a moment of respite so that it could slip into unconsciousness.
This didn’t stop me from waking, usually several times a night. Both because I would be startled from sleep and instead of adjusting my pillow, I’d remember my sister was dead and I would sob, or because my daughter was still nursing and she would cry for me, and I walk to her and remember my sister was dead and I’d sob.
Within a couple of weeks, my sleep schedule was close to normal. The wakings in the night no longer left me crying into my pillow for hours at a time, but I was still so tired…
