Thanks for taking the time to read and reply, A. Nonymous.

You’re right — there will never be one single formula of grief support that works for everyone because, as you know and said, everyone grieves differently. I agree with you that saying something…putting yourself out there when you feel awkward and unsure is surely almost always better than saying nothing at all.

I do, however, disagree with you that I should just see the intent behind their words and take it for what it is. I think words can really hurt, and when you are very close to tragedy, it is much, much harder to see the intent behind those words. Now, 2+ years after my sister’s death and 15+ years from my dad’s, I’m not quite as sensitive (sister) and there’s very little someone can say to offend me about my dad’s death at this point.

One thing I didn’t address in the article is context. Often times, I’ve found that someone can deliver a platitude, but depending on their body language, what they say after, or if I see they’re truly trying to speak from the heart but are unable to find the right words, then the platitude won’t bother me nearly as much.

If they’re using the platitude, like ‘I can’t imagine’ or ‘everything happens for a reason’ or whatever to check a box off their to-do list. To feel relief because ‘well, I’ve said some condolences, now I can move on and not worry about having to talk about that again,’ then I disagree with you. I think that that’s not ok and that people can do better. It’s also much harder to get the context surrounding someone’s intent because a lot of our social support happens online where we can’t read those cues. So, if I post a photo of my sister and someone replies “chin up, it’ll get better,” or “she is your guardian angel and always with you” then, in that case, I’d prefer they not say anything at all.

A large part of my essay is about how imagining pain can help us better support those who are grieving because we will think of moments and experiences that will be difficult that we might not otherwise have noticed if we kept it more superficial. Beyond just saying ‘I can’t imagine’ it’s about taking the time to imagine because I think it makes us better friends and better people.

I hear you though — when I share an article like this I do think about how it may make people more afraid to speak up. My mom shared it and many of her friends were like, “Oh! I’ve done that to you!” and I know they felt badly (she gets the ‘I can’t imagine’ comment more than me since she’s lost a husband and a child and ‘I can’t imagine’ is a very common player in the child loss realm). I do trust, though, that folks can read articles about grief support and filter out what works for them. I also know that “I can’t imagine” is a phrase that a lot of people don’t like, and I know that many people who are fresh in their grief are unable to feel comfort when they hear it because it leads us to feel more isolated and lonely (and, yes, I do recognize that many people do like….which I can’t imagine (hah — small pun there)).

I’m sad to learn of your husband’s illness and death. I know that brain tumors are very difficult for both patients and caregivers. I do genuinely hope that you have gotten the support you need from your community in the years since he’s been gone. I send my best wishes to you.