Hidden Grief

The ‘shameful’ thoughts the bereaved are reluctant to disclose

Kellyn Shoecraft
6 min readJan 24, 2020
Image credit: Here For You

Soon after my dad died in 2004, I came to the logical conclusion that I was evil. I told my new boyfriend about it in a jokey manner, my go-to approach for serious yet scary conversations.

“I’m about 80% evil. Just thought you should know…” I casually mentioned while using a Bic pen to draw a doodle on his hand (one of the many odd flirtations we participated in during the early months).

Never in my life had I been so judgemental, and coupled with that judgment was an underlying riptide of rage.

May, 2004, three months after my dad died and around the time I tried to convince my then-boyfriend (now-husband) about my evil ways. Image Credit: Author

In college, I was about as straight edge as one could be — no drinking, smoking, drugs, parties, rule-breaking, and until that moment, relationships. He looked at me with a smirk and responded, “Yeah — ok, sure,” and that was that.

He couldn’t see any evil in my innocent presentation and figured it was one of my quirks, like how I would wear old-man velcro sneakers and knee-high socks with splashy patterns.



Kellyn Shoecraft

Navigating sibling & parent loss and trying to change the way people support each other in grief. Founder at www.hereforyou.co